The Problem is Me

I can't even begin to tell you how hard it is to write this blog.

When you read this blog, I will have been gone from my '4 Month Career' at a great company one week or so. I will have had some ups and downs, tears and fears, faith and finality.

I. Can't. Begin. To tell you.

So I'll start simply: I'm in shock. I'm trying not to cry and I'm missing the guys.

Here's the facts: I emotionally made a choice that bit me in the behind. It took me to a level of shock, confusion, etc., I didn't understand what was happening. I was happening and it was my fault.

Here's another set of facts: spiritually, I knew it had to happen one day. I needed another day. Another month. Another....

My heart was stuck in my throat for three days, but I knew WE (yes we) made a decision that would be best for everyone. Yet, the entire point of this blog is I found out the problem is me. 

Side note: I may do a live about this one day. We'll see. 

I am not perfect. I'm hard to understand. AND, I raise my voice quite a bit a LOT of the time. Right now, I remember one phrase a man said to me that I totally have to repeat to myself: YOU NO LONGER HAVE TO FIGHT FOR YOURSELF. 

What I, now, realize is, I didn't have to fight for myself with him, but with those I was around for weeks, I had to fight to prove myself and couldn't. I failed, though; I failed because I forgot I'm not perfect and God didn't put me there to FAIL. 

So, here I am with the undertanding the problem is ME. 

Take me or leave me, I have ways of pushing over the proverbial edge and you will fly, or you will retreat scared of the edge. This problem has me going back and forth in my mind about what to do next. Believe me, I am not retreating from the Apostolic call on my life, but I must be able to have this conversation with the Holy Spirit saying WHAT HAVE I DONE? 

God sends reminders I've done nothing, but that doesn't fly with me. I don't fail at such a drastic rate....

But I haven't. 

But you haven't. 

But.....

Even here, spiritually, the problem is me. The problem is 

1. I can't fathom how strong I actually am. 

2. I was called to do something no one will understand. 

3. Spiritually toxic is up for DEBATE

I fell in love, people...

...with a business

...with a job

...with great people

....with a man and his family. 

And the problem, interupted that love affair at the right time for me to see, God is in control. 

No matter what. 

At this point, I'm still me. I won't change. I won't detour from whom I am and where I am....and as I always say: WHEN I TELL YOU I GOT YOU, I GOT YOU! 

That' won't change, baby! 

Dana Williamson

Coach, Apostle, Queen